I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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