The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
