I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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