the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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