Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
