woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
