Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
