I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sext me about skeletons
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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