I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
