I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
