Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
