who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
