When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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