At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
