I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
