Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
