shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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