This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
