Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
