Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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