Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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