So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
