I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
