Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
