Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
