Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
