I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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