went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
