made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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