You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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