THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
