Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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