even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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