Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A bitchslap is in order.
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