I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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