i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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