Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
