just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
