just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
