If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
