I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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