Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
