A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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