I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
