Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
