he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
