I bet he comes in French.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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