ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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