We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
