You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
