dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
