You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
