I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
