dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
