I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
