doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
